Too Close for Comfort

Warning: This isn't a lighthearted post...

I just learned that a friend's husband was killed in Afghanistan just a couple of weeks ago. The news has left me reeling; not from personal grief, since I'd never met him, but with vicarious shock and hurt and heartbreak. When one Army wife goes through something like this, it's hard not to identify with her and try to put yourself in her shoes.

I read an article on his life and service and couldn't help compare his Army experience to my husband's. Both Infantry officers, same rank, same training history: IOBC, MCCC, Ranger School and Airborne School. I looked through pictures of him with his wife (my friend) with their daughter, and one of the two of them from an Army event they attended the day Steve and I got married. In the picture, he's wearing the same dress blues that are hanging up on my husband's side of the closet.

I cried for a while, trying to imagine how she's feeling. As scared as we are of that event, I don't know if any Army wife really believes it will happen to her--otherwise, how could we live even somewhat normal lives? It's like having the wind knocked out of you to be reminded that real families receive such tragic news and have to live with its effects.

I marvel at my friend's strength. She still has daily life to deal with--raising a daughter, going to work, updating Facebook. And she's still doing all of those things, which is just amazing to me. Living with the reality that this could happen is difficult, and even sometimes debilitating; living with the reality that it has happened is infinitely worse. And I am fully aware that that doesn't even come close to describing it.

I'd like to ask everyone who reads this to say a prayer for my friend and her daughter today. I am including a link to the American Widow Project website, a non-military resource for military wives who've lost their hero husbands.

First Anniversary

Yesterday's Fourth of July post was a little corny, I know – but today's might not be any better, because it's our first anniversary!

Being married for a year certainly does not mean I know everything about being an Army wife. Very, very far from it. But here is a list of things I believe Army Wives should be told immediately upon marrying the military:

1. Learn your Army acronyms - or at least learn to nod along when someone is telling a story and uses five you don't know. You can look them up later, but the story probably won't make sense to you at the time, so look for clues from the speaker. If he or she laughs at the end, do the same.
   
2. Being shy won't win you any friends. As someone who moved in the middle of high school, I can tell you that the same principles apply. You need to be aggressive and outgoing! Assume everyone else in your new unit has been there for a while and has already established their "regular crowd." You have to find one to join, because they probably won't come looking for you.
   
3. Prepare to spend a good, long time job hunting. Unfortunately, most Army bases are not next to big cities or metropolitan job meccas. If you're looking for a salaried nine-to-five, you may have to get creative about finding work, especially in this economic climate. One hint is to find out if any big corporations are headquartered in your area and check their website for jobs. Otherwise you could go blind looking through pages of Monster.com's "Part-time roofers needed" employment opportunities. Military One Source does have some good links on spouse employment. (Check my links.) If you're a teacher or nurse, you can disregard this one.
   
4. Become a great emailer. If you want to keep friends once you've made them, email them regularly if you can't see them often. Find a time to send a personal note – mass updates are great for information dispersal, but when you're long distance, friendship fades without real connections.
   
5. Keep track of your friends. You never know who you'll run into again. Moving around every couple of years doesn't necessarily mean you have to make new friends each time. Keep track of your old ones and chances are that you'll end up assigned together sometime in the future! Along with this, I suggest getting a virtual address book. Any book of handwritten addresses will become filled with cross-outs and arrows to new addresses. It'll just be a mess.
   
6. Always find out from your husband (or another AW) what the appropriate dress is for each occasion. It can vary greatly, and being too casual or too dressy for an evening can be really awkward and uncomfortable.
   
7. When you move somewhere new, find out where all the important landmarks are as soon as you can. This list will include hospital, vet, mechanic, doctor's office, dentist, closest Olive Garden, etc. Trust me; waiting until you really need to get there is not helpful for your stress level.
   
8. You will end up doing things you never thought you'd need to learn. If you don't know how to fix a toilet, change a tire, mow the lawn, grill, caulk, cook, iron or do your taxes, have him show you before he deploys.
   
9. Memorize his social security number. You need it for everything.
   
10. Your attitude is vital. I won't lie; it's easy to get bummed out as an Army wife. He's in the field for three days, training for three weeks or deploying for a year, and you're upset. You can't join your family for vacation, because that week doesn't fall during block leave. Or maybe you just found out you're moving to Kansas. There are a lot of disappointments that come with the territory. While you should be honest with your soldier, your reactions make all the difference in the world to him. I've noticed that my attitude either lightens his load or makes his job 10 times more difficult. And while your commitment to the Army may not be lifelong, your commitment to each other is.

Celebration of Freedom

Last Sunday I attended a "Celebration of Freedom" at a church in Maryland and was completely blown away by the incredible thought, effort and energy that they put into the service. Complete with an orchestra and confetti cannons, an inspiring sermon and musical salute to the Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, and Marine songs, it was a touching blend of the Church being grateful for the protection of the State and recalling how the State was shaped by the Church at its conception. I blinked back tears as veterans and active duty servicemen and women were honored. I also thought how ironic it was that Steve was working that morning and wasn't able to attend.

I'm pretty sure that I'd never sung the second, third, or fourth verses of "My Country, 'tis of Thee" before. In case you haven't, either, here are the words:

1.    My country, 'tis of thee,

    Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing;

    Land where my fathers died,

    Land of the pilgrims' pride,

    From every mountainside let freedom ring!

 

2.    My native country, thee,

    Land of the noble free, thy name I love;

    I love thy rocks and rills,

    Thy woods and templed hills;

    My heart with rapture thrills, like that above.

 

3.    Let music swell the breeze,

    And ring from all the trees sweet freedom's song;

    Let mortal tongues awake;

    Let all that breathe partake;

    Let rocks their silence break, the sound prolong.

 

4.    Our fathers' God, to thee,

    Author of liberty, to thee we sing;

    Long may our land be bright

    With freedom's holy light;

    Protect us by thy might, great God, our King.

 

I was amazed at how well God and country are fused in the lyrics, and I thought the same of the church service.

Tonight, though, Steve is off duty and we just returned home from celebrating Independence Day at a friend's house. I'm so grateful that he was able to enjoy this holiday that honors our country, him, and the many men and women who've given up their holidays with family. I know that if Steve is here at home, it means that someone else's husband is deployed and doesn't get to watch his kids play with sparklers or drink a cold beer with his friends. My heart goes out to everyone who's celebrating without a military family member tonight, and my prayers are with everyone who's deployed and those whose loved ones sacrificed all for our United States. God bless America.

All Dressed Up and No Place to Dance

Many girls dream of going to a ball - I know I used to daydream about the dress, the music and the dancing.

Unfortunately, most girls never have the opportunity to attend a real ball. Apparently they aren't very common - unless you're a military wife or one of the Bennett daughters.

I have now been to three military balls, and sadly, the shine has really come off of the events for me. Before my first one, I had a lot of romantic notions about balls - mainly derived from reading Jane Austen novels, I'm sure.

It turns out that they're really about listening to speeches, handing out awards and drinking. That's fine, but it clashes with my Pride and Prejudice-esque fantasies.

At a military ball, there's always a line at the bar. At our last event, the first hour was open bar, and the line was so long that people were having trouble getting through the front doors because the queue was blocking the entrance.

One of the highlights of the night is the mixing of the grog. Several different beverages are poured into a huge bowl - usually different kinds of liquor and wine, each signifying a different battle or event in the unit's history. For example, if the unit invaded France on D-Day, they might add a French wine to the mixture. Coffee, juice, Kahlua...it's all fair game. Spouses aren't required to drink, and I'll admit that I've never tried it. It's fun watching everything go in the bowl though, and then watching everyone's reactions after they've tasted it.

At my first ball I sat dutifully through the grog-making, dinner, awards and speeches, and was excited for what I expected to be the climax of the night - dancing. I was mistaken. When the formal portion of the night was over and a tiny dance floor opened up, most of the guests left immediately. There was a major snowstorm going on outside, however, and we rushed for the door like everyone else, wanting to get across town and inside before it was too dangerous to drive. I was a little disappointed, but blamed the lack of dancing on inclement weather.

At the second ball I attended, the weather was even worse - a tornado warning was announced just as the last speaker wrapped up. We headed home to the sound of screaming tornado sirens. We didn't know it then, but the tornado actually followed us home along the same route we took, just a few minutes behind us. It ended up doing millions of dollars of damage to Kansas State University just four blocks from our apartment. Again, the weather had interfered with the dancing.

However, just a few weeks ago Steve and I attended our first ball here in Florida, and the weather was gorgeous. Considering our track record, I was expecting a freak hurricane to blow through, but it remained clear and beautiful the whole evening. And at the end of the event, the music came on and a table was pushed aside to reveal a dance floor large enough for two or even three couples.

We stuck around for another 45 minutes or so, discussing where to go for more drinks with friends, and I watched the dance floor. A few people crossed it to get to the bathroom on the other side, and one girl twirled around by herself while her date laughed. Everyone else pretended it didn't exist.

Despite the presence of officers in uniform, the days of the Netherfield ball are gone. The upside: I'd choose Steve over Colin Firth any day.